i had this idea that there were so many fish in the sea that it would have been inevitable that i would find someone in college romantically. my ambivalence and my view of the world as impossibly big in both people and places preemptively affirmed that it would have been impossible to hold a relationship with jen in college. one, because in principle the idea of love and commitment turned into obligation was/is sickening, two because logically this was, granted, the most serious and beautiful of the relationships i had (have had), but still one of the only. i was planning ahead, in the sense of leaving myself open, a quality that would be key in analyzing me as a person. i do this today, with regards to the things that are most important to me in life, namely music romance and language.but logic has no place in such matters. i missed her; i also missed the intimacy, which i hadn't found and either way could not look for. i felt a burden of duty on my shoulders to pay respect to the memory of us by abstaining from relations with others. missing a person and missing what you had with that person are a fine line between, but either way that line lead to me booking a ticket back to portland as a surprise. i went with the primary intent of seeing my sister, who was starting to show signs of depression. until then i had considered it my disease, in relation to the family; now i think we all possess some character of it. i felt i had ducked out on loved ones to go to college. this conflict of leaving people, especially family, to go selfishly into my own path is something that has been present since then, and without any real resolution.
i hopped back on the greyhound bus, a route all too familiar for me. i either didn't know what i was doing or i knew all along. the mindset going to the bus station was something i can't really explain - like my brain was on autopilot. the only thing i can compare it to would be my days as a smoker, when i would to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes. i didn't really think about what i was doing, just felt a pull towards the source. like walking in any other direction was just not really what i wanted to be doing then. the mind goes blank, and yes it's possible to ask oneself explicitly the whats and whys, but the whole question in itself seems irrelevant.
looking back it hadn't been that long since i had taken it. i surprised anyel first, then jen, ducking around a college that was not mine but blending in nonetheless. jen and i went on a walk down to the salem version of a riverplace. being with her was surreal, magical. she had this weight upon my eyes, as if all of this world were merely black & whites but those who really matter stuck out in vibrant color. it didn't take long for the tears to come. one fell on the cement dock and i took a picture of it with my cellphone; she called me emo and we half-laughed about the situation.
every time i've had a conversation with the other side of a romantic relationship where they're unhappy in some way, i get a wash of a very cold, resilient, mindless bundles of emotions. i become aloof; i detach from the situation completely, approach it logically, analyzing the other person's statements and answering them vaguely. with jen i would go through this, but only with her would i eventually well up and feel the weight of the situation as the most pressing in the world. i would go from feeling like a ghost watching the other person weep to the transparent image of a person to feeling like the entire universe revolved around that moment. like i was seeing us at once both from the perspective of one of those 360 degree rotating camera shots in romantic movies and as if the scenery and backdrop had all disappeared, where life was now a framed shot in which this person's face was the raison d'etre of the entire piece. this isn't metaphorical speak, i get like this with people who are important with me, and i'm being actually surprisingly literal here. i'm a very visual person.
we walked. she cried and we embraced each other. i have another very crazy character trait where i simply do not cry 99 percent of the time that i find others crying. this was, for a bit, like the 99 percent of other times, and then became an exception. i kissed her. oddly enough i don't remember what i felt when i did. nor what i was thinking. part of me couldn't stand to see her so shaken. i was too, but the that rarely [is or was] something i consider in such situations. i was overtaken by the moment, by the possibility and the ludicrousness of it all. there was a certain self-empowerment by daring to do such a "foolish" thing. ironically this is in relation to something i feel like most people do without thinking. but at the moment of that kiss i do remember a pang of guilt, of what-if, etc. what if i had just signed a contract i couldn't fulfill, etc. {i felt this way when i asked jeanna out the first time. the attraction was at that point not very even at all, and i knew i would hurt her through it. but in the moment i was aroused, in a non-sexual way, by the ability to give someone joy. i sometimes wondered if there was something similar in this situation.} but i left pdx hopeful, intrigued, feeling adventurous in the coronary sense.
when i got back to the twin cities, i embarked on the "long distance relationship" saga. which was way more complicated that i could have ever seen, but i wouldn't regret it, nor would i be the type. the point is these photos were taken from a trip back to portland and walk around downtown with jen. i like the one of her looking across the river, because of the hint of melancholy in her stare. we put each other through some crazy times.
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