pdx

i should start this with something related to portland, a beautiful city in many regards. i'd consider my childhood split between portland and lana'i, hawai'i, with a handful of other places in between.
portland is home to a lot of beautiful and painful memories. leaving it to go to school has marked the beginning of a new chapter of struggle in my life. it's not that i just "left for school." i've never agreed with that sort of mentality. if i'm going to be someplace for longer than two weeks, i'm going to live there, or try to. thus i've often felt that i've left for good.* why so definite? it's part of my urgency that i'm trying to question and explore these days, and with this blog, because something suggests that such urgency after twenty years of life on this earth is a little inappropriate.
*but i haven't, or at least upon returning i'm greeted with a barrage of familiar so potent it's made me uncomfortable. it's something i've covered in my other blog extensively, to the point of being pathetic really.
i lived hard, in portland. not to say i had a hard life; ('cause really that's the most redundant phrase around, isnt' it?) i mean to say i lived fully. i covered more of those streets with my footprints than some of my peers who have lived their entire lives there. thus the streets are covered for me in nostalgic triggers that, if i concentrate, i can almost see: i can almost see myself on powell 5 years ago, on NW 23rd, on sherman burnside hawthorne glisan you-name-it. the image of myself in various wardrobes, bodies, various hair colors; trading magic cards, smoking weed, dragonboating, running from the cops past curfew, eating sushi with max . i'm not saying this phenomenon is unique. what appears to be, though, is my allergy to the nostalgia. in that sense it's like a powerful drug: it sends my head for a trip, and sometimes, i desire that nausea and overwhelming. it has to due with the triages that accumulated last december 06, between loved ones dying, romantic connections, struggles within the family. it sent me reeling for a long while after that.
ironically, this summer when i returned, i felt, after the initial apprehension, and ease on the streets. that has to due with a lot of things, a summer spent in the twin cities being one of the main ones. but despite my neurosis, i'll always hold a place for pdx and i don't count out the possibility of returning. i'm starting with a history from which i've almost come full circle; which is another confounding part and a reason i'm posting pictures in this blog.