farther back

i found that a lot of the truly older photos from the pdx era are on another computer, but i did find some and will continue to post trying roughly to stick to some timeline.

i took this (i think) before i went to mac. this was before going on a camping trip somewhere up in northern oregon. i feel a little odd posting a picture of jen here, but for the purposes of this blog, i think it's fitting. it would be a lie to say she wasn't a humongous part of that segment of my life, and even afterwards, in the twin cities. hell, even today,

i wonder about the effects of our relationship. this was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and on a good day i can almost smile saying that. the bad ones are another story, and while this may seem pathetic, i truly am proud of this picture, perhaps for only reasons that the people who know her will understand. i think it captures her beauty, god knows there's a lot of it one could capture, but more specifically her eyes and smile are confident, spontaneous, intelligent; the shot is un-posed, as is fitting for her. the truth is the shot came after some tense moments, as are many when your relationship has an expiration date, but this second wasn't, and that's the whole point of photography, in my opinion.

the tenseness described lead to a love for e.e. cummings's poem 16:

in time of daffodils(who know the goal of living is to grow) forgetting why,remember how in time of lilacs who proclaim the aim of waking is to dream, remember so(forgetting seem) in time of roses(who amaze our now and here with paradise) forgetting if,remember yes in time of all sweet things beyond whatever mind may comprehend, remember seek(forgetting find) and in a mystery to be (when time from time shall set us free) forgetting me,remember me

because, well, enough said: cummings nailed it first. oddly different romantic pursuits ended up bringing up this same poem. i've always been a little hesitant to incite poetry or songs, especially in the romantic sense, that have been tagged with memory from a previous era. it feels, instinctively, unfair and downright inappropriate. so i didn't know how to react when someone sent this to me in the mail one year at school, or when i found myself referencing its stanzas. i donno, either i'm too cliché for my own good or it's a coincidence, either way it weirded me out.
this was taken walking back from jen's house one night during that time before the first goodbye. deciding to end a relationship in advance is such an odd concept. i wanted to be uninhibited, so to speak, in college, based on philosophies of living-in-the-moment and todo el royo aquel. i thought that was it for us, hence the cummings, hence the rose backlit by a streetlight, the latter of which i've always found somewhat poetic for some reason. the relationship i had with jen was one of the most beautiful things ever, and i still doubt i've met anyone that comes close to the connection we had.* because of this the fall was something that scarred.
and perhaps this is why i started to focus more on my relationship with distance. i'd been no stranger to it, after a childhood of constant packing-and-unpacking.
*of course how does one say something like that? the irony here is that i wonder if the way i've changed because-and-after our split has resulted in a [me] so different that i wonder what type of person would be the type that i'd connect with today. i wonder if that type would be different. the pessimism, i'm afraid, me ha cogido por los huevos, to the point where i wonder if the type of relationship i had could ever be attained again, even with the same person. thus another reason for the look inward, because hell, it's worth a shot to see what i can find. but is it pessimism? i'd like to say not, if not now, then eventually.