non.glam-glam

hangin' with eleysha and dan, i always felt like i got a glimpse of one of the avenues life could have taken were i to have stayed in portland. there is something glamorous about the non-glamour, to me. not to suggest that i'm a glamour-hound or that my life is as such these days, or that i would want it to be. i think i felt like i was almost destined for it, actually - the stay in pdx vibe. really the first time i thought about anything contrary was due to hanging out with a crowd of people obsessed with getting into good schools far away during my sophomore/junior years of high school. that opened up a whole new avenue of thought for me. furthermore it was an adventure i didn't think i could have passed up.

but as i mentioned, i am ambivalent to an insane degree. i can see myself in portland. i can see myself having gotten a job pulling shots, maybe rocking out on the electric bass, smoking weed, and really i don't know that i would suspect anything could be different. on my bad days, this kills me - because in the sense of this urgency how could one ever make an informed decision if ambivalence gifts both sides of the scale with 100 lbs? perhaps it's a blessing, in that you can't ever know if you "got it wrong, " so to speak, although i don't believe in that either.

the pic is super glam, though. moreso than the times, although after turning in for the night i remember having a felt a sense of accomplishment, not specifically with dan and eleysha but with a range of non-glam kids, for having felt integrated, in a sense, to what i believed to be a facet of very "portland" life. i'd like to be able to remember if it felt natural or not, but i don't. guess i should have upped the contrast on some picture of the sidewalk to remember, har har.